Wednesday, November 29, 2006


After my last entry I thought what to do know. I was somehow happy he found me although it meant I had to tell him.

I stood up from the armchair and went into the kitchen. Coffee would be needed soon, so I percolated some. I went back in the living room at switched on the little hi-fi unit, music wouldn’t be a bad idea. I checked the CDs and found Peer Gynt. “Silent music is the best for thinking”, I thought and put the CD in the hi-fi.

The music filled the air and I sat on the sofa and stared into the fire. I don’t know how long I sat there just watching the fire cracking in the fireplace but it was Greg nestling beside me and holding me close who brought me back to the here and now.

"You found me", I whispered and my lips found his to kiss. I was so glad he found me, he came here to be with me that showed me how much he loves me and nothing else matters. My heart started to race when I kissed him tenderly and he returned the kiss with the same tenderness. I felt tears on his cheek and had to control myself not to start crying as well otherwise I would still be crying next week I think.

He held me so close I could feel his heart pounding against his chest and when he whispered "I missed you so much. I love you, Jim”, it was my heart which nearly stopped beating. This was exactly what I wanted to hear the whole time, this and the tender touch of his lips on my skin. I snuggled at his chest, fondled his hair and covered his face with kisses.

"I love you, Greg", I murmured and I had to swallow back the tears again. We just held each other for a long long time. He is here for me – just for me and that is the everything I was longing for so desperately.

I know it sounds stupid as I was the one running away and hiding in the nowhere land but I felt lost yesterday evening with all that memories and feelings and I think I just needed the space between us, needed to be alone for a while to make things out.

I finally sighed and sat upright again, Gregory looked at me so as he feared I would send him away now. A lonely tear was rolling down his cheek and I brushed it gently away. “No need to cry my love” I whispered and smiled at him. He swallowed hard and I caressed his cheek, “Do you want some coffee? I percolated some …” I asked and stood up still holding his hand. Greg nodded at me and I squeezed his hand slightly before I went into the kitchen.

I heard him standing up and limping into the bedroom. A few moments later he came back fully dressed but with socks and smiled at me. I carried the two cups of coffee into the living room and we just sat there drinking the coffee and watching us.

Finally I cleared my voice, looked into the black liquid and began to speak “I was abused when I was 15. It was just some months after my father died due to cancer” I looked up and met Greg’s eyes and he just nodded at me to continue. I stared into the fireplace, “It was no sexual abuse, he just started beating me. I … I didn’t know what to do so I remained silent for quite a while …” . Gregory grabbed my hand “How long was that while?”, he asked.

I frowned and looked him in the eyes “One bloody year…”, I managed to say. My stammering voice filled the room when I spoke “I found excuses for the bruises, fallen down the steps, sport injuries and when something was broken I was fallen down a tree or had an accident with my bike.” Greg inhaled deeply and before he could say something I continued “It was after my 16th birthday when I was in the hospital again. It was the first time I punched back and he lost his temper.” Gregory caressed my cheek and I noticed that I must have started crying without notice because he brushed away the tears with his thumb. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” he whispered. “But I want to, I was a fool running away and leaving you behind. I was always running away and I … I need you so much…”, Greg stood up, came around the table and pulled me out of the chair then he drew me closer and hold me. He just hold me and fondled my hair and couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and started to cry.

I don’t know how long I’ve been crying and I don’t know how we got into the bedroom, neither do I know how we got undressed but I know how it felt when his warm body met my skin. It felt like coming home, it felt like being complete, we just embraced us and I slowly calmed down.

Greg started to kiss away all the dried tears, I wasn’t aware that I moaned but I heard my own voice doing so. I bent over him and my lips found his, “I need you, Greg. Please …” I whispered before kissing him deeply. He replied my kiss after a second of hesitation then he turned me on the back and started to touch my skin feather-like.

When our bodies became one he whispered in my ear “I am always there for you …always…”, I closed my eyes and a lonely tear ran down my cheek. He started to move carefully and by then all the pictures, all the memories where washed away for that moment and we just took to the sky.

After an eon or two we came back on earth again and Greg held me close to his chest, “I love you”, he murmured and I lifted up my head a bit, “I love you, too”. A broad smile appeared on his face and I returned it likewise. I kissed his chest and then started to speak again “It was my Uncle Vernon you know. Samuel’s father…”, Greg gasped but I carried on “He is dead now, killed himself. I didn’t cry when I was informed nor did I went to his funeral…”. Greg grunted “If he wouldn’t been dead he would soon be …”, I couldn’t avoid a grin “You really care about me …”, I said and Greg harshly spoke out “Of course I do…”, my finger upon his lips silenced him at once.

“My family found out what happened when I was in hospital and they made an x-ray. Sure they knew I had some weird accidents, several sprains, odd bruises and one broken arm… but this time it was different. I couldn’t make out any excuses because my Mom found me on my bedroom floor … and it was very unlikely to have several rips and a wrist broken by simply falling out of the bed. Not to mention the blue chin and the rupture of the spleen…” I had to swallow down hard and felt Greg’s hand caressing my neck.

“They brought my into hospital and the police was informed as it was obvious that this was an abuse case. So I had to tell them the whole embarrassing story.” I felt silent for a while and Greg spoke no word but breathed harder.

“Vernon was drunk again and came to our home when nobody was around. He shouted at me when he saw me laying on the sofa reading a theatre script. My hair was quite long at that time and I was reading my part of the play loud because I had to hear my voice for it … I didn’t notice him coming in until he started shouting at me. He…he said I would look and behave like a silly idiot.” I took a deep breath “I jumped from the sofa when I noticed him and tried to retreat to the safety of my room. But I was too slow, he grabbed my shirt and smashed me against the wall…” I could hear Greg muttering something but didn’t notice what it was and I continued, “I managed to get free and ran up the stairs but he followed me. “You still think you are something better. Becoming a doctor and playing in that theatre group but you are nothing, NOTHING!” he shouted at me. I agreed but didn’t convince him. “Glad your father died because he would be ashamed of you!” he barked at me. This was when I felt the anger rising in me, I shouted back at him “No he wouldn’t. He was always proud of me, he loved me, you BASTARD.” Vernon stood shocked for a second and then punched me hard in the stomach.” The very thought of it made me shiver and Greg pulled the blanket closer and began to caress my back, “Jim, you don’t have to…”, “Please just let me carry on” I interrupted him.

He placed a kiss on my head and I closes my eyes for a second, “I was so full of hate at that time, so full of anger and I couldn’t control myself anymore so I jammed my fist in his stomach like I did with Chase and he returned a punch on my chin …”, “Like yesterday”, Greg mumbled and I nodded.

A deep sigh slipped out of my mouth “And like yesterday I collapsed on the ground and he just beat me up there. I don’t know anymore what he all did but it felt like hell. I must have been there for an hour or so when he went and my Mom came back… well and the rest you know”, I finished.

Gregory just caressed my neck and after a while I looked up at him. His eyes met mine and I could see he was full of anger – not an anger against me but believe me, when my uncle would still live he wouldn’t live for long …
He blinked and tried to smile but fizzled. “And he killed himself?”, he asked. I nodded and still kept the glance “Yes, he killed himself after the family knew what really happened. They found him dead in the garage one morning, the car engine was still running.” Greg looked at me questioningly and then nodded.

“Thanks for listening, Greg. I am feeling way better now that I’ve told you.” I whispered and Greg raised an eyebrow “As I told you, I am always there for you and the only thing that counts is that your are feeling a bit better now.” I slightly shook my head “No, the only thing that counts is that you followed me”, I said and tenderly kissed him.


Dr. Gregory House said...

I'm so glad I'm with you, hun.
You can't imagine how it felt when you were gone.
Please never ever do something like that again.
I'm there for you whatever it is you have to get off your soul.

Dr. James Wilson said...

I now know and I am glad you came searching me.