Friday, June 29, 2007
I don't know how he could have managed it to get out of the ICU - but he did.
Sure I will tell you about what happened - now I have to leave and see how he is doing today.
I want to feel your hands on my skin,
I want to feel you - delving in.
I want to scream out thy name,
I want to touch your body - I want to burn that flame.
I want to clutch the linen, clutch thy skin,
I want to whisper and scream in sin.
I want your body close to mine,
I want to whisper hoarsely: You are mine!
I want to feel the pulsating lust,
I want to moan: In you I trust.
Give me your hands upon my skin,
Make us become one - and delve deep in.
Let me scream out thy name,
Ignite the fire and light the flame.
Give me a reason to clutch your skin,
Let me whisper your name and lets do some sin.
Move your body next to mine,
Hear me whispering: You are mine!
Tease me with your pulsating lust,
I'll grab your shoulders and moan: In you I trust.
(c) J.E. Wilson
Sunday, June 24, 2007
music: Dean Martin
Today is a lazy sunday ... just hanging around, doing a bit of cleaning and some paperwork.
I was so bored that I thought it might be funny to give you some insights - enjoy!
Birthplace: Hospital (hehe)
Current Location: Plainsboro, New Jersey, USA
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brownish
Right Handed or Left Handed: Left handed
Your Heritage: is that of importance?
The Shoes You Wore Today: sneakers
Your Weakness: sometimes too nice
Your Fears: I will keep that for me
Your Perfect Pizza: hmmm... depends on my mood
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: convincing Greg to get a dog
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Geez! I am laughing my ass off
Thoughts First Waking Up: God! Coffee...
Your Best Physical Feature: dunno ... my hands perhaps
Your Bedtime: depends
Your Most Missed Memory: another of my secrets
MacDonald's or Burger King: depends - I'd prefer no junk food
Single or Group Dates: Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I don't like iced tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee
Do you Smoke: Seldom
Do you Swear: Sure - who does not?!
Do you Sing: mhm
Do you Shower Daily: why should that be of interest? Sure I WASH daily!
Have you Been in Love: Yes, I have been - and I am!
Do you want to go to College: I am way to old now to attend college
Do you want to get Married: I am perfectly happy now!
Do you belive in yourself: Believe in myself ... sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness: Bit moody from time to time
Do you think you are Attractive: hmmm ... I think I am quite okay
Are you a Health Freak: from time to time
Do you get along with your Parents: most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms: yes I do
Do you play an Instrument: guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Do I have to tell you that? ... yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Except alcohol? No
In the past month have you gone on a Date: I am dating ... my husband
Ever been Drunk: Pretty much - yeah
Ever been Beaten up: Secret!
Ever Shoplifted: Ha! - NO
How do you want to Die: Peacefully and without pain
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Grown up
What country would you most like to Visit: Europe is nice
Number of CDs I own: I will not count now ... a bunch
Number of Piercings: None
Number of Tattoos: None
Number of things in my Past I Regret: there are some ...e.g. Been together with someone I did not love anymore
In a Boy/Girl
Favorite Eye Color: Blue eyes are nice
Favorite Hair Color: depends on the person ...
Short or Long Hair: Man: Shorter hair ... Woman: Longer
Height: taller than me (when we talk about a man)
Weight: Not that important - slim ... woman should look like a woman and not like a collection of bones with a bit flesh upon them
Best Clothing Style: casual wear
Friday, June 22, 2007
My mind floats away,
away to the place I wanna stay.
Stay by your side,
where I always wanted to be.
I don't know how it came
that our friendship got washed away ...
Washed away like the loose mud
at the river bank.
The bank we used to paly in our youth ...
The bank where we lost the truth.
Can you tell me my friend,
can you tell me - why oh why ...
Why does my soul hurt so true?
Why do I feel sick and blue?
You walked away,
walked away as you didn't want to stay.
Stay by my side,
where you always wanted to be.
I don't know how it came ...
I don't know who to blame ...
But I know one thing for sure,
I miss you, my friend ... with every passing by minute ... more and mor'
Let me take you by thy hand ...
Let me take you to where I stand ...
Come my friend to where I am ...
grab this chance and take my han'.
Here I am at the bank ... at the bank
longing homesick for your arms ... for your hand.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I was just cleaning my office when some photos fell out of a book "History of surgery" - I picked them up and a smile brightened up my face when I figured out what they were showing.
Greg and me on a BBQ, Greg and me watching a lacrosse game, Greg waving (apparently at me), Greg and Stacey together with Susan holding glasses of champagne etc.
Yes we shared some very very nice moments. The last picture I looked at made me sink down in the visitors chair and I must have stared on it for a few moments.
This was me laying in grass - completely naked and apparently sleeping ... for sure it was not me who made that picture.
I turned it around and found a very familiar handwriting stating "Breaking the rules - August 1999".
August 1999 ... my memories spinned and turned as I tried to remember what happened in August 1999 and why Greg has written "Breaking the rules" on the back of this picture.
"August ... August" I mumbled and played with the photo in my hands.
"Must have been on a fishing trip I suppose ..."
Some minutes later I had figured out that this lake must have been the Echo Lake in British Columbia and then I remembered what rules where meant ...
"Heck NO!" I muttered and grabbed the phone.
A few seconds later I heard Gregory's voice sighing in the handset "Love slave".
I kept silent for a few seconds until I heard Greg clearing his throat - then I said "You are lucky it was me".
"Gosh! Jim, I really wondered now if I misread the number on the display!"
My little laughter was answer enough I suppose as he muttered "What can I do for you though!?"
I looked at the picture again and shook my head.
"Greg, can you remember August 1999 our fishing trip to Echo Lake?"
No sound ...
"Why?" he asked a bit too hesitantly.
"Because I found something very interesting. Could you please come over into my office for a while?"
"Now?" he asked and I heard him rummaging.
"Yes now and dont tell me you have an urgent case ..."
"In fact ..."
"Now ... please" I said and hang up.
Five minutes later Gregory was stading in the doorframe, looking at me slightly pissed off.
"Jim, I don't have time... Hurry!"
"You don't tell me that you have an urgent case ... or?!" I said and raised an eyebrow.
"In fact I DO!" he snapped back and stumped his cane on the ground.
"Well ... if it is so - GO!" I answered and waved him away.
His jaw dropped slightly and with a grunt he entered the room.
"What now?" I asked him and gave him a side glance.
"Aw, shut up and show me that picture..."
I frowned and handed him the picture.
"By the way ... I did not mention a pic on the phone"
"Sure you did" he said silently while looking at the photograph.
"No, I did not!" I replied and poured me a cup of coffee.
"Make two" Greg grunted from behind.
"I thought ..."
"Don't think ... pour"
I grabbed a second mug and poured another coffee.
"Here, sweet like you are" I said and handed him the coffee with a hint.
"Hmmmm" he said and sat down.
Still the two cups in my hand I walked behind my desk and placed his cup before him.
Gregory was still staring on the picture and I watched him while leaning back in my chair.
Quite a bit later he looked up and put the pic on the desk.
"I remember ..." he spoke silently and grabbed his mug.
I watched him closely while I was drinking my coffee and waited for him to continue.
However, he did not want to carry on so I asked him after a few moments ...
"And? What happened? Why am I naked and why the heck did you write something on my back?"
Gregory remained silent and sipped some coffee.
"Greeeg!" I muttered a bit and thumbed my fingers on the desk.
"I beg you pardon?" he answered as if he would not know what I wanted.
A deep sigh slipped out of my mouth.
"Couldn't you just tell me?"
"Hmmmm... I could ..." Greg said and played with his mug.
He turned the mug in his hands - on and on and on ... but remained silent again.
"Why is it so important?" he asked me then and gave me a side glance.
"Because I can't remember when this picture was made nor what happened!"
I now was hacked off a bit and really wanted him to open his mouth and tell me what the heck happened.
Greg sighed and stood up.
"See - I can tell you at home, okay? Now I really have to go back at work."
"Fine, fine" I raised my hands and gave up.
"Good" he nodded and left my office.
So there I was - still unknowing why this pic was made and what happened.
At home ... okay ... at home!
I managed to spend the next few hours with cleaning my office, doing my paper work and making the normal ward round without thinking too much about the fishing trip.
Gregory picked me up at about 6 pm in my office and we drove home - without speaking about the picture or the trip or anything else related to that matter.
We just spoke about his case and how annoying patients can be (he did so - as you easily can imagine).
A short drive later we reached the apartment - and I am proud I did not ask him about the happenings until dinner was ready.
Gregory munched his steak with a contented smile and I tried not to look at him too often.
After a deep sip of wine he sighed and looked at me.
"Okay ... okay ... you won! Stop staring at me like that, this is unbearable!" he muttered and looked me in the eyes.
I looked back with my most innocent look and shrugged.
"What? I just checked if you are enjoying your dinner..."
"Sure ..." he moaned and played with his wine glass.
"First I will tell you what rules were made, okay?"
I nodded and leaned back in the kitchen chair.
"Fine then ... " he said and cleared his voice.
"Rule 1: No drinking into oblivion"
A snort slipped out of my mouth and I raised an eyebrow.
"What? Don't look at me like that - this was not my idea - that rule ..."
"We must have been drunk!" I returned.
"You were crocked!" Greg said and grinned broadly.
I rubbed my neck and then nodded.
"Okay ... carry on"
"Thanks, Master!" Gregory said and took another sip of wine.
"Rule 2: No drunk hugging"
"Rule 3: Don't interrupt the one telling you what happened!" he grunted and stared at me.
I made an excusing gesture and then showed him to continue.
Greg nodded and carried on.
"Okay - Rule 3: No pinching the ass. Rule 4: No tickling and nudging. Rule 5: No sleeping under the same blanket ..."
He snorted a bit and sipped anew.
Greg gestured me to bite my tongue and carried on.
"Rule 6: sleeping at least 1 foot away from each other. Rule 7: No running around naked for longer than it takes to dress."
Now it was me playing with my glass and then taking a deep sip.
I really wondered what the dickens happened!
Greg cleared his voice anew and looked at me. "Are you still listening, Jimmy?"
"Sure" I nodded.
"Good - had the imagination you were somewhere else."
"No! I was just thinking a bit about the rules ... please, carry on!"
He gave me a nod.
"Rule 8" he sighed and downed his wine "not staring into each others eyes"
"Now that is weird!" I interrupted him.
"Well, why not staring into each others eyes? Hm? Is there something wrong with it? And by the way..."
Gregory thumbed his fingers on the table and I bit my tongue instantly.
"Good ..." he said after a few seconds "Rule 9 - and believe me I will explain everything to you ..."
I nodded again.
"No taking the other by the hand ..." he snorted.
I could not avoid shaking my head a bit and thought that we both must have been totally drunk!
"Rule 10 and the last one: No cuddling before going to sleep!"
"Heck!" I muttered and downed my wine now.
Greg grinned and nodded.
"Right you are - very silly and dumb rules, right?"
"You can bet your ass!" I returned and poured us some red wine.
"Well ... we were a bit ... drunk" Gregory replied and corrected himself then.
"You were shot in the neck and I was slightly tipsy though!"
"Mhmmm..." he said and winked at me.
I stood up and removed the plates and put them in the sink.
"So ..." I said then and turned towards him. "What happened then?"
Gregory shrugged and raised the hand holding the wine glass.
"We broke the rules", he said as if by accident and watched me while drinking.
"We broke the rules ..." I answered silently and gave him a questioning look.
"And that means?"
His face was enlighted by a little devilish smile ...
"I could show you" he said silently and put the glass aside.
"Do so" I returned with a shrug and leaned against the sink.
Gregory eyeballed me and shook his head slightly.
"First - undress and then lay down!"
I gulped and gave him a surprised look.
"I beg you pardon?"
He pointed towards the bedroom.
"Undress! Lay down and then I will show you"
"If that is just a way to getting me laid ...you can have that easier" I answered.
"We can drop it as well, you know. I remember it - so ..." Greg snapped back and looked at me with an "I dont care" expression on his face.
I walked towards the bedroom and sighed.
"You won! I am too curious ..."
Greg followed me and watched me undressing ...
"This is a bit embarassing, you know that?" I asked him while removing my socks.
"Why? I did see you more than once - naked!" he replied and twirled his cane around while leaning against the doorframe.
I sighed and fell back on the mattress.
Gregory came closer and looked at me.
"Ready for a surprise?" he asked with a softer voice now.
My stomach twitched a bit and I didn't look away when he started to undress slowly.
He really does not know how good-looking he is, I thought and crossed my arms behind my neck.
Gregory smiled slightly and crawled next to me on the bed.
"We broke the rules - because we looked each other deep in the eyes", he murmured and bent over me.
"But ..." I started and did fall silent then, because the blue of his eyes drew me closer and closer and I got totally lost in the depth of his soul.
Greg came closer and closer and with the touch of his tongue tip upon my lips the memory came back.
I found myself laying in the warm grass, surrounded by singing birds and a soft breeze tickling my body.
We laughed so madly when Greg wrote those rules upon my naked back.
"That tickles, Greg!" I laughed and squirmed a bit.
"Damn fuck" he muttered. "I just broke a rule then" and gave me a soft spank on my bum.
"EY!" I exclaimed and turned around still laughing.
Our eyes met and we both became silent at once.
Gregory was still kneeling above me.
His hands moved towards my cheeks as if in hypnosis ... when I felt his touch on my skin I closed my eyes for a second and forgot the marriage problems that bothered me so much at that moment.
The reason I became totally drunk ...
After a second or so I opened my eyes again and found Greg's face close to mine, staring into my eyes.
"Another rule broken" I whispered and he just nodded slightly and caressed my cheeks.
"Sorry" he then sighed and bent even closer.
My lips slightly opened and I found myself lifting up my hand and grabbing his neck.
He moaned a bit and brushed with his tongue tip over my lips.
"God, Greg ..." I whispered and like in trance I drew him closer.
His tongue parted my lips and then he kissed me deeply with a rising passion.
"Jimmy" I heard Greg moan and was drawn back to the here and now.
Gregory looked at me with dilated pupils and caressed my sides.
"Jim-my" he sighed anew and another kiss brought me back into the past when I heard him saying the very same words.
"Greg" I sighed as well and my hands wandered over his body, searchingly, feverishly, demandingly.
With the raising passion our hips started to move ghost-like and we both could not stop those mechanical-like movements.
It felt so good ... so right ... so wanting MORE.
"I want you" I heard far away in the here and now and in the past I replied "Do it".
His knee parted my legs and as if wouldn't be the first time (and we now know it was not), he started to tease me, slowly and with a heat that let us forget where we were and who we were.
We forgot all the rules and broke them ...one by one and even more.
I arched and scratched his back when he made us become one with one awfully slowly thrust.
The here and now got me back when Gregory started to move deep and hard and I forgot all the past and the now and just got lost in the passion and lust only he is able to give me.
Quite a time later we both lay on our backs, still trying to catch breath again when I gently caressed his chest and looked at the ceiling.
"You know Greg ... I remembered everything while you showed me ..." I said under my breath.
"Mhmmm... that was my intention!" he answered likewise and played with my fingers lazily.
"You know what ..." I returned with a sigh.
"I like breaking rules..."
Gregory turned on the side and so did I, we both stared each other in the eyes.
"We don't need such rules anymore ..." he said silently and brushed a strand of hair out of my face.
"I know ..." I answered him with a smile.
He smirked a bit and then fondled my hair.
"See ... we could of course make some new rules ... and break them ... one after the other."
"Hmmm... yes" I grinned and came closer "we could easily do that".
"Yeah ..." Greg moaned and smiled then.
"Rule 1: No kissing with tongues!"
"Rule 2: No sex before noon!"
"Rule 3: No stretching in that too alluring way!"
"Rule 4: No swaying hips in a special way only we notice"
"Rule 5: Never shower together!"
"Rule 6: Sex at uncommon places like beaches, cars etc. is strictly forbidden!"
"Rule 7: No full-body massage"
"Rule 8: Never licking the lips and looking the other in the eyes"
"Rule 9: No teasing!"
"Rule 10: No mentioning of hints while talking to other people and the other is around to hear it"
Breaking rules can sometimes be really funny - I suppose!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I am glad you are chasing women - that is, for gods sake, good for you.
I am just writing my days down here ... and believe me - I never thought I'd be gay! It just turned out that I did fall in love with someone - and I never expected it though!
James E. Wilson
Today is Thursday - our flight booked was on Tuesday ... I arrived here yesterday.
Let's start in London though. The weekend was lovely! Gregory showed me around London a bit and we even managed to make a day-tour in Kent ... Rochester, seaside, Canterbury - very lovely indeed (how I heard so many times there).
We celebrated into Greg's birthday in a cozy pub somewhere in London (sry, I forgot where exactly we've been). Music, ale, stout ... very lovely!
Monday itself was packed with cuddling, sighing and enjoying each other - and of course we spent a few hours outside the hotel room as well!
We packed in the late evening hours and went to bed rather early ... ... did fall asleep rather late though.
We arrived at Heathrow airport in time and wanted to check in.
The lady behind the desk looked at us ...
"Ehm, there must be a mistake, sirs" she murmured.
"What a mistake?" Gregory asked and his eyes narrowed.
He was nervous all the morning and in lack of enough coffee - so this was really not his best time of the day.
The women looked again on the screen ...
"Hm, it seems that we have a booking problem here, Sir."
"Can you explain that?!" Greg replied with a soft and calm voice.
I put my hand on his back to calm him down a bit.
"So, what kind of booking problem are you talking about, M'am?" I asked her with a smile.
She looked at me, "Mr. Wilson?"
"See the flight is overbooked and I am very sorry to tell you that there is only one seat left!"
Gregory straightened up and said nothing at all ...
I rubbed my neck and looked at her in disbelief.
"I beg you pardon? We booked the flight and we have the confirmation here at hand." I answered and showed her our confirmation.
She gave it a short glance and then looked at us again.
"We are really sorry, but we can't change it. There is just one seat left and that is only for emergency cases. Is your flight back an emergency? Or could we offer you the next flight to New York?"
A deep sigh slipped out of my mouth and I wanted to reply but was interrupted by Greg.
"My flight back is an emergency!" he said and looked her straight in the eyes.
And what followed then made me standing there, staring at him and gawking!
He should have become an actor - believe me that!
He told her something about an urgent case and that his patient would die if he (I missed - the almighty doctor thing!) would not make it in time to save her life. He even mentioned some children who would loose their mother and the whole bunch of it.
She grabbed her phone and a few moments later - Gregory had his flight back home!
"You ...you ... " I stammered and looked at him when he put his boarding card into the pocket.
Gregory winked at me and then moved on ...
I had to wait until I got my flight details - next flight back home in 10 hours!
10 HOURS staying at the airport! At least I was allowed to check-in my baggage and was offered a first-class ticket as well and got 500$ for all the inconvenience caused.
Fine ... but still 10 HOURS!
After I got my papers I made my way through the hall where Gregory was waiting for me.
"I really can't believe that!" I muttered and pointed at him with my index finger.
"YOU! You really leave me alone here on that airport! Why is it an emergency, huh?"
Gregory raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit.
"Because I wanted to go home and" he pulled out a nearly empty bottle of Vicodin "that is nearly empty!"
My jaws dropped and I shook my head in disbelief.
"You leave me here - just because you need your PILLS?!"
Greg shrugged "It is an emergency, isn't it?"
"I can't believe that ... you are ... you ... this is in fact unbelievable!"
"Aw c'mon, I am sure you will enjoy that bit you have to spend here. When is the next flight, hm? Two hours or so?"
"TEN" I grunted.
Now his eyes widened a bit and he looked slightly sorry.
"Oh ... hmm... ten, huh?"
"Yes, ten HOURS!"
Greg twirled his cane in mid-air and looked up at the ceiling for a second.
"Would it help you now if I'd say sorry?" he silently asked me then and gave me a shy side look.
"Only if you would mean it!" I answered back and shook my head again.
"I still can't get it ... you just do that because you are in need of your pills, right?!"
"You are upset now" Gregory said and started to move towards the boarding area.
"Of course I am upset" I muttered and followed him.
"Greg" I whispered and grabbed his arm.
He turned around and looked a bit unsure.
My hand dropped down and I looked him deep in the eyes.
The coldness of his blue eyes disappeared and a warm sparkle could be seen, if you were looking very close.
"Jimmy... I am sorry, okay! I'll pick you up and I'll be so looking forward. Flight will be a hell wihtout you", he whispered silently.
"Flight will be a hell for all the other passengers!" I whispered back.
Greg winked at me - and I winked back.
He eyes dropped to his watch and then looked back at me again.
"Still some time left - and I don't want to leave you here like that" he moaned and looked around.
"Why leaving me anyway?" I answered.
"Because ..." he started, stopped and stomped his cane on the floor "ah - sod it! You won't believe me anyway ..." and without a warning he drew me close and kissed me deeply - right in the middle of the crowd.
I was first to dumbfounded to reply that kiss but when he drew me even closer and deepened it, I closed my eyes and let me sink into that tender kiss.
A few seconds later (or minutes?) he withdrew and cleared his throat.
"I'll better go now - otherwise we two wont leave England but be thrown into the Tower, I suppose" he moaned silently and stepped back.
I combed through my hair and just nodded, still unable to speak after that kiss.
"See you in a few hours then" Greg said, nodded and turned.
"You ..." I started and when he turned around before he walked through the door, I just sighed, rolled my eyes towards the ceiling and waved aside.
"I am UNBELIEVABLE" Gregory said aloud and grinned at me like a school boy.
Although I was boiling with a bit of rage, I couldn't avoid the smile appearing on my face.
"I really can't believe it" I muttered to myself when I found me alone at London Heathrow airport, waiting for my flight to come.
I should repeat that sentence a few times during those ten hours waiting time ...
I bought me a book, read a bit, surfed in the Internet for a lot of money, had some coffees at Starbucks and bought some presents for my family.
Ten hours can be a damn long time ... a very long time for cultivating the annoyance!
Friday, June 08, 2007
music: Streets of London
Some of you might have figured it already out - we are flying to London ... today!
As you might probably know there is a birthday to be celebrated these days and therefore I got two tickets for London.
We will arrive at Gatwick airport and spend some lovely days in London and surroundings. Photos may follow though!
What happened lately?
Hmmm... we have been on a motorbike trip last weekend and there is a bit to tell though - but as Gregory wanted to write about it, I will just leave it up to him to tell.
Rest of the week was packed with a lot of boring work: clinic duty, paper work and the normal stuff occuring in a hospital - nothing of interest though.
For all those of you having to work this weekend - Have fun and enjoy your days!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I might give you some hints - try to figure it out.
1. In Canada is a town with the same name like the capital of this country ...
2. It is the eighth largest island in the world
3. There is a statue of Thomas More on Cheyne Walk ...
4. Pubs are very common - serving e.g. ale and stout
5. Some famous buildings there, too
6. Good sense of humor the inhabitants have
7. "Island monkey" is not a very nice nickname though ... but somehow funny.
8. Almack's Assembly Room was one of the first clubs that welcomed both men and women
9. Driving on the "wrong" side
I think those hints might be enough now!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
and sometimes we have the feeling to let all things out that are bothering us.
But what if you have both feelings at the same time?
What if you did something you probably shouldn't have done?
Who tells us what is right? What is wrong? Is it the so-called reality that tells us what is right?
What if you sometimes have to look behind reality to see what is real?
Aren't we wearing masks so many times in our lives? Aren't we hiding behind those masks so often that no one can se who we really are, what we really feel?
I guess ... YES!
Sure we can just always carry on like always - hiding, lying, pretending ...
What if - let's assume ... you met someone and from the very moment you looked into his/her eyes ... you know that your world has changed.
Changed ... by that I mean that feeling that you think your soul was ripped out of your body for a second, that you can hardly concentrate on anything else, anybody else ... that you feel and act like a stupid teenager fallen in love and that you just have the feeling that there is more than you see.
Is it worth then acting like you would normally never do?
Would that be okay?
Would it be worth it tolift your mask of disguise, to get rid of your armor that makes you untouchable ...?
An answer we never know, right?
Not until - yes until - we do it ... we jump over this big, huge, enormous shadow called fear and unsurety. Even if we manage it ... the unsurety might remain.
I once jumped over it - lifted the mask for a second ... that mask I was wearing for so many times ...years - and it was all spoilt by a lightning bolt.
When the thunder crashed and my words were swallowed down by it, I quickly replaced that worn out mask by a new one and did as nothing ever happened.
Unsurety was back again! Back because I didn't get the sign I was looking for.
Isn't it so that we are hurtable so much and even more than usual when we lift that mask up and let our soul strip?!
I was afraid anew ... afraid he might have understood, afraid - just afraid he could not feel the very same.
Now I know that he was waiting for a sign as well ... but at that time I did not know.
I was too blind to see and I cought myself so many, many times thinking that it might be too much ... too much if I would tell him how I feel.
Would he be shocked?
For sure I could have carried on like I did before ... wearing my mask, pretending that we are nothing more than friends ...
Carry on living a lie - rushig into another marriage, being together with someone I like but not deeply love ... and sitting in my room silently and choking on my tears from time to time.
Yes, I could have done that - couldn't I?
Let me tell you that I was so close to do it ... so very close to make another mistake.
Starting something with another woman ... hiding again and watching him from the distance - like before, silent all these years.
Tori Amos has once put it into a song: I'd be sitting there, waiting for somebody else to understand, the years would go by and I would chok on my tears till finally there is nothing left ... nothing left.
However, I did not want to - I did just not want to carry on like that. Consequence was - I just made the decision to listen to my voice ... my inner voice that tried to tell me so many times to jump over the shadow
I dit it!
You all know I finally did it and I thank God and all the angels above that I did it! Thanks for the courage, thanks for the strength ... thanks for helping me!
Even if he would have reacted the way I would not wanted him to react ... that he would have been afraid, told me off, turned and would have walked away - even then I would thank the Almighty - as I would have used the opportunity and that I got an answer.
An answer we all want somehow ...
Wondering why I am writing it all down?
Well, sometimes we just have to listen to our voice and let things happen ... and I had the feeling it might be good to write it all down what once did bother me.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Some of you guys might for sure know that song and the AXE commercials ... okay I now know that Greg knows it as well, because I got some embarrassing experience in the supermarket today.
I was just standing in front of the deodorants shelf when Greg pinched my ass and sang a bit too loud "Bow Chicka Wah Wah" ...
Believe me if there would have been any hole in the ground I would have wanted to sink in it ...
And NO he was not high!