Tuesday, June 05, 2007


"Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all ..."
and sometimes we have the feeling to let all things out that are bothering us.

But what if you have both feelings at the same time?
What if you did something you probably shouldn't have done?

Who tells us what is right? What is wrong? Is it the so-called reality that tells us what is right?
What if you sometimes have to look behind reality to see what is real?

Aren't we wearing masks so many times in our lives? Aren't we hiding behind those masks so often that no one can se who we really are, what we really feel?

I guess ... YES!
Sure we can just always carry on like always - hiding, lying, pretending ...

What if - let's assume ... you met someone and from the very moment you looked into his/her eyes ... you know that your world has changed.
Changed ... by that I mean that feeling that you think your soul was ripped out of your body for a second, that you can hardly concentrate on anything else, anybody else ... that you feel and act like a stupid teenager fallen in love and that you just have the feeling that there is more than you see.

Is it worth then acting like you would normally never do?
Would that be okay?
Would it be worth it tolift your mask of disguise, to get rid of your armor that makes you untouchable ...?


An answer we never know, right?

Not until - yes until - we do it ... we jump over this big, huge, enormous shadow called fear and unsurety. Even if we manage it ... the unsurety might remain.

I once jumped over it - lifted the mask for a second ... that mask I was wearing for so many times ...years - and it was all spoilt by a lightning bolt.
When the thunder crashed and my words were swallowed down by it, I quickly replaced that worn out mask by a new one and did as nothing ever happened.

Unsurety was back again! Back because I didn't get the sign I was looking for.
Isn't it so that we are hurtable so much and even more than usual when we lift that mask up and let our soul strip?!

I was afraid anew ... afraid he might have understood, afraid - just afraid he could not feel the very same.

Now I know that he was waiting for a sign as well ... but at that time I did not know.
I was too blind to see and I cought myself so many, many times thinking that it might be too much ... too much if I would tell him how I feel.

Would he be shocked?
Be afraid?
Chicken out?

For sure I could have carried on like I did before ... wearing my mask, pretending that we are nothing more than friends ...
Carry on living a lie - rushig into another marriage, being together with someone I like but not deeply love ... and sitting in my room silently and choking on my tears from time to time.

Yes, I could have done that - couldn't I?
Let me tell you that I was so close to do it ... so very close to make another mistake.
Starting something with another woman ... hiding again and watching him from the distance - like before, silent all these years.

Tori Amos has once put it into a song: I'd be sitting there, waiting for somebody else to understand, the years would go by and I would chok on my tears till finally there is nothing left ... nothing left.

However, I did not want to - I did just not want to carry on like that. Consequence was - I just made the decision to listen to my voice ... my inner voice that tried to tell me so many times to jump over the shadow


I dit it!

You all know I finally did it and I thank God and all the angels above that I did it! Thanks for the courage, thanks for the strength ... thanks for helping me!

Even if he would have reacted the way I would not wanted him to react ... that he would have been afraid, told me off, turned and would have walked away - even then I would thank the Almighty - as I would have used the opportunity and that I got an answer.

An answer we all want somehow ...

Wondering why I am writing it all down?
Well, sometimes we just have to listen to our voice and let things happen ... and I had the feeling it might be good to write it all down what once did bother me.

Hey but I dont care cause sometimes,
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And its been here
Silent all these years
Ive been here
Silent all these years


Dr. Gregory House said...

Oh dear, I'll be with you in aminute.
I now just have to come over and hug you closely.

Dr. James Wilson said...

Thanks for that very very very close hug.

Anonymous said...

hey james your poetry is awesome and i like the way you write
you put my poetry to shame

Dr. James Wilson said...

Thank you so much, Julie.

I like your poetry though.