Memories – we often bury them deep in our souls so no one can find them and sometimes, yes, sometimes they just come up and you will be flooded.
Ten years. We are the closest friends for ten years now and I’ve never told Greg about it – never told anyone about it. The only persons who know what happened are my Mom and my siblings – and there might be some doctor remembering…
What happened now? What happened yesterday … I lost control, control over my feelings and surrendered to anger. I should have known better, should have reacted better as I perfectly know how losing the temper can end. But I didn’t, I lost my nerves, I lost my temper and buried memories came back.
When I punched Chase in the stomach and he returned the punch and we both landed on the floor, pictures arose in my head. Pictures of a boy being punched, hurt, broken …
I tried to keep my mask up, tried to stay normal and tried to react normal and I succeeded … for a while. Gregory and I went home, I started cleaning the flat, made the dishes and after Gregory came back from buying coffee I prepared everything for a cosy evening on the sofa. Nothing was okay, the memories punched my soul and although I tried to listen to Greg, tried to comfort him as I always do – I failed.
And I did one thing I’ve always done – I pushed Greg away. How could I tell him? How could he understand? So I reacted like an idiot, once more, when some crumbs fell into his eyes by accident. He just complained about it and I felt guilty, so I stood up and sat down in the armchair. I felt miles away and still I couldn’t tell him a word was going on.
We had a silly conversation and the memories gnawed at me, I wanted to tell him but didn’t have the guts to do so.
Some minutes and a blank stare on the TV screen later, Greg finally asked me "James, what's eating you? I can't remember I did anything wrong and this makes me feel...".
"Ah, it's always your feelings, huh? What about mine? Do you ever care about them?!" I
interrupted him and could have hit my own face while doing so.
Taken aback he began "But...I asked you! Several times! Most of the time I can see what's going on with you but not today. So I asked."
I was so angry about me, about my behaviour and so I must have glared at him, which wasn’t my intention, and he looked at me with a stunned expression on his face. I could see his thoughts racing, sure he was thinking I would blame him now for everything. But how could I he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Full of anger – anger because of my silly acting, I snapped and stood up "And now don't look at me as if I'd blame you for something!". I could hear him gasping and just wanted to go away, just wanted to hide so I went out of the balcony and closed the door behind.
My eyes were fixed on the dark sky and darkness was rising in me. “Jim, the nice guy. Jim, the perfect guy. Jim, the man who always cares…” I thought and a bitter sound slipped out of my mouth. I went into the corner and lifted up a box, the tiny box of cigarettes blinked at me and I pulled one out of it. Lit me a cigarette and inhaled deeply, “So who cares that they can make you sick, as you are already sick inside”, my feelings told me.
Everything came back to me, every single pain, every single emotion and every single picture. When I heard Gregory’s voice it was like it was miles away "You know why they're called cancer sticks?" and another lie came out of my mouth, "I'm not smoking".
How many times have I lied? I don’t know it anymore … A shiver ran down my spine, but it was not due to the cold of the night, no it was the coldness inside of me that made me shiver. I clung to my cigarette like it would be a life-belt. The time passed by and one cigarette became five or even more.
"Please, hun, tell me what I've done...Or tell me what happened...I have not the slightest clue”, I could hear Gregory speaking from the other side of the door. I hesitated, I wanted to tell him, wanted to throw the memories away, I just wanted him to hold me, to brush away the memories that were torturing me … but I couldn’t.
“First you have to face your memories, face your feelings before you can tell him”, I thought and another cigarette was lit. The bitter smoke burned my lungs but I didn’t care, I just watched the planes up in the sky and tried to face the memories. Silent tears were cried and they wetted my cheeks, the knocking sound at the balcony door brought me back to the present again. I forced myself not to look at him, not to show him my tears and I looked away and remained silent.
I desperately wanted to tell him, desperately wanted him to take me so I could just use the emotions to bury all the waste inside. My head dropped down when I heard him go away again, why isn’t he just coming? Why doesn’t he just force me to tell? Why?
Some time later I stood up and silently slipped inside the room again, I took a deep breath and was about telling him everything when I found him laying on the sofa, fast asleep. “Perhaps it is better so, Jimmy?”, I thought and covered him carefully. Then I went into the bedroom and changed my clothes, I tiptoed on my socks to the door, grabbed my keys, coat and my shoes and slipped outside.
I put my shoes on and closed the door. “So here you are, Jim, alone with your feelings, once again!” I turned away from my ‘home’, from the person I love more than my life and proceeded to my car.
I am now miles away from where I should be. No clinic for me today, I called Cuddy in the early hours this morning and told her, that I had to fly to Canada as we have a bereavement in the family. No one knows where I am … no one but me and perhaps my Mom might know where I am hiding.
I think I will have to tell Greg everything in a short while. I miss him and I am sure he will go mad when he figures out that I am not in the hospital, not even in town …
Greg, darling, if you read this … don’t be scared just be sure I love you! I just need a little time to figure it out on my own … I’ll be back soon! I love you!