mood: just enjoying the weather
just sitting here on the balcony and enjoying the weather - Gregory has to work and I am home alone and felt a bit bored as I didn't want to work or doing the housework (what is work as well) ... so I am just stopping by and "talking" about: Love
Did you ever write a love letter? I mean a real love letter? Not just a teenager love letter when you are a bit in love with a guy or a girl ... no, I mean a real love letter to an adult person.
Have you ever been in real love? Do you know then how hard it can be to sit there and just thinking about what to write ...? Do you?
If so - just don't read what comes now ... or well, smile and grin and relax a bit.
If not - just let me tell you that it is HELL!
A few days ago I decided to write a love letter to - of course - Gregory! Yes, he already got it and so it is no surprise anymore.
I sat there for days! Yes, days ... and my hand felt like shit afterwards but I wanted to finish it while I was in Montreal - so I had to hurry up a tiny little bit.
Never thought that it would be so hard to write a love letter - especially when you are not knowing what to write because everything just feels so wrong. Not to exact enough or too exact as well - because you switch to everything as you want to tell everything what is in your head.
I started to write about everything - when we first met and then switched back to my childhood and youth - because I figured out that I wanted to let him know everything ... just every little episode in my former life without him.
So - this was not the way I thought and again ... I deleted everything and started anew.
But that trial was in vain as well - as I told too much again ...and again ... and again.
I wanted to write just a simple little love letter - but well, seven pages are not simple, hm?
Perhaps I overdid it a bit - and if so, dear - I am so sorry ... but I didn't know what I should tell you more - than just: I love you!
Just those three words weren't sufficient enough in my opinion and I tried to tell you more about me and I hope I succeeded ... yes, I hope that it wasn't too much.
Love is such a wonderful thing - but it can be hell as well ...
What if you have doubts and fears? The other person doesn't love you (anymore) or doesn't want you (when you are not together).
When do you know that you are in love? What is the sign for love?
I mean real love - for what you would do everything - you would act like a fool! Yes, like a fool in love ...
Imagine what would you do, if e.g. you would fall in love with a person you just know from a few contacts (email, internet, short visits ...) - but you had the feeling from the very beginning you layed your eyes upon him/her - that there is something - that there is just something so deep your soul responds to it.
That was exactly what I felt when I first looked deeply into Greg's eyes - and my soul did respond to his look. It was as if my heart just stopped for a tiny bit of a second, started to race afterwards and my soul screamed out for him.
It took me a while to realize that I was just loving him so deeply that I would have done anything for him - and would still do it (for sure!).
Love made me act like a fool - because some months after we first met - I wrote my very first love letter to a man I hardly knew - but to who I was so dearly in love that I, myself, couldn't understand it and I had so many doubts and fears - I just didn't send the letter away.
You might know by now what happened, hm? Three marriages and some years later ...
Everything would have been so easy ... but what if he would not have loved me as well? What if I would have found my guts to send the letter and what if he would have never replied it? What if he would have just stared upon the white pages (I had nothing else there) and thinking: Who is that? What the heck?!!! - yes, what if?
I think if I would have done just that and wouldn't have received a reply - even if it would just have been a: Dear James, I am sorry but - well, I don't know you that much and I really don't love you ...
it would have just killed me a little bit - because when you find your guts to write such a letter and to send it to that very person then you are so hurtable and so unsure - so very unsure because you just did send it due to your deep feelings.
And a feeling it is - Love is such a strong emotion - you can hardly explain it!
So - should you ever receive a love letter from a person you hardly know or well, if you know that person ... please, readers, please just think about it for a minute!
Should you be famous ... and receive such a later - sometimes there is love as well - although you might not know that person or hardly know that person ... love was the reason the other person did send you that letter - and if we receive such a sign of courage we should honor it and not laugh about it (okay you might do that when you are alone!) - but we should just be polite when we don't have the same feelings for the other person.
Fear is the heart of love, dears! A person who loves - has so many fears ... and we should not use them to let the person feel miserable. We should just tell him/her that the letter was nice - but well, you are not having the same feelings for that person ...
Should you have any doubts about your feelings - guys - just make it possible that you will meet that person and look him/her in the eyes ... because eyes can tell you so much more than just words!
Words are not really capable to show you the true feelings - so ... this is my "love letter" now ... just a bit of information what love means and what it means to write a love letter.
The response I got on my latest love letter just made my knees turn to jelly and I found myself on the bed covered with little smooches and even more ...
Sometimes it is worth it - sometimes we should do stupid things, sometimes it is just the time to jump over your shadows and fight against your doubts and fears!
Yes, sometimes love makes us do that ...
I would have wished that I would have done that years before!
Everything could have turned out well - much earlier!