Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Damn fucking nightmares

mood: tired like hell and totally feeling crappy

music: nothing - it is in the middle of the night



Geez, I had some damn fucking nightmare. I really dreamt that I fainted twice yesterday, that I got a gastroscopy at the PPTH, that I vomited my ass off and that I shouted at Gregory.

I really don't get it all together, but I acted so stupid (of course, as it was a nightmare). Believe me I did things I'd never ever do in my life!!!

This is horrible to watch because you know, you wouldn't do that - you would never hurt a person you love by doing such things. I woke up and felt totally crappy, I lay there in bed for a second or two just staring at the ceiling and to the window. Fine I was awake, damn awake by now, so I decided to stand up and go to the loo.

There I always told myself that I would never do that ... I know me by now, I would never do that.

Now I am sitting here and thinking of going back to bed again. I am not quite sure, if I want to go to bed again.

Could this nightmare be just the mirror of fears I sometimes have? That I could loose him, that I could spoil it all by acting stupid, that I ... that I perhaps love him too much? Can you love someone too much?

When I am listening to my heart, my soul ... I clearly says yes and no at the same time. Love is such a weird thing - the weirdest thing in life, it makes us act stupid, it makes us act without thinking, it makes us act like complete idiots from time to time ... but it give us the most precious thing and that is light in the darkness, it gives us hope, it gives us a damn fucking good heart beat from time to time, a damn fucking good feeling running through your body when you feel the prescence, when you look into the eyes of the other person, when he holds you, when he touches you ...

Love makes you whole, love makes you forget the fears you have, love makes you forget all the nightmares in your life, its light enlightens your soul and brings light into every corner of the inner darkness.

Yes, I know I would never ever act so stupid in my life again - 'cause I now know that this is some real damn love. That this is just the love I ever wanted - although it is sometimes hard, although we sometimes have difficulties understanding each other, although we both know that we are not very easy persons from time to time ... but for me, it makes my soul whole, it gives me just what I need. HE gives me just what I need, the thrills, the pushes, the embraces, the good ... ehm... times, and even more.

He is not always there for me - how could he ... we both have our lifes as well, next to the other. But he does his very best he can and that is more than anyone else ever did for me. I do the best I can to be there for him when he needs me, although it is also not always possible ... but I do my very best and I hope he knows that.

I hope he knows that I really love him ... yes, YES I do that!

Now I'll be off again - back to bed, I need some snuggling now. Feeling all way cuddly wuddly at the very moment (and damn fucking tired).

See you around

3 comments:

Dr. Gregory House said...

So much swearing - so many fears...
I am sitting here in my office and feel...well...anxious somehow.
Why don't you tell me such things? Wake me up in the middle of the night if you feel shitty and the gearwheels in your head deny sleep to you.
I know you love me, I really do.
And I love you more than my life.

Dr. James Wilson said...

Oh ... I ...

Julia Brooklyn said...

You're right - nightmares are a mirror of your fears. They show you that you're insecure about some important things. But they are not a sign that you're doing things wrong. In the first moment they frighten you - but in the end they're helpful :)