Have you ever heard of confrontation therapy? You are confronted with your angst, with all that you fear in order to get over it.
The therapist I was talking to after the attempted rape told me that this could be an option but only with a person I am in love with and who I really trust. Well, there is only one person in my life who I really trust in and love so deeply that my heart sometimes seems to break through my chest.
It was on the Friday evening, Greg and I were sitting on the sofa and talked about this and that. My mind often wandered astray and finally he looked at me.
"What is going on in your mind, hun'?"
I sighed and hesitated but then I spoke, "The thing the therapist mentioned to me."
Greg raised and eyebrow and leaned back "What do you mean? What did he tell?"
My heart pounded against my chest and I had to swallow hard, "He told me that a confrontation therapy could perhaps work. It would be painful for sure but it could just help me to get rid off all the anger."
He looked at me and his eyes widened, "You want me to ... to rape you?"
My eyes were fixed to the ground when I mumbled "I ... I don't know." A sigh slipped out of my mouth when I looked up "Yeah" I nodded.
Greg stood up and limped a few steps "I don't think I could do that! How could I?"
I closed my eyes and opened them after a few seconds again, "I know, darling. But perhaps ... " My voice became a whisper "I want to get rid of all the anger... I cannot stand it."
"Scream it out then! Don't make me do that to you, please!" Greg asked me and leaned hard on his cane.
I brushed over my face with one hand, "Sorry, dear. It was a stupid idea."
Some minutes past and I was surely aware of the fact that Gregory examined me carefully. What would he see? Some lost figure on the sofa, hairs slightly dearranged, eyes blank and with an expression of dispair upon the face. Yes that's probably what he would see. A deep sigh emerging his mouth made me look up. He stood there and I could see from the look he gave me that he has made a decission. Greg slowly nodded at me and my stomach became some steel ball, the sweat suddenly wettened my back and my hands started to shake slightly. "Oh my god" I thought.
"I will do it" he whispered. "I will do it but only if you promise me to tell me when I should stop it! Promise me that you won't be cross with me afterwards!"
I nodded at him and swallowed "I promise."
He blinked and made a step back "Fine, so what am I supposed to do?"
I stood up and rubbed my neck "He told me that we should repeat ... what happened and bring it to an end."
Greg looked blank "Bring it to an end? You mean ..."
"Yes" I just said and looked him deep in the eyes.
He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, then he looked up and pointed with his cane to the wall, no word was spoken and without a word I went to the wall and leaned my back against it. My eyes were fixed on the ground and I could only see some shiny boots when he approached me ...
Let me tell you that this kind of therapy is painful and very hard to cope with - but if you really have the right person, one you trust your life in ...then - yes, just then, it is possible to get rid of all the anger. My fears turned into anger and anger turned into lust after a while - I used my lust and anger as a catalyzator and afterwards we both lay on the ground entangled up in each other. Gregory held me close to his chest and carefully caressed my back.
"You are feeling better now, Jim?" he whispered into my ear.
I placed a soft kiss on his bare naked skin "Mhm, I do" I mumbled.
His hand fondled my hair, "That is good. Although this was very heavy stuff ..."
A smile appeared on my face when I raised my head and looked at him "Yes it was".
Our eyes met and we both smiled slightly, his hand wandered to my cheek and caressed it. "What do you think about a stroll now? You mentioned some wood you wanted to show me ..."
I straightened up and looked outside. Snow was dancing in the air, like fairies in a midsummer's night. "A stroll in the snow" I softly spoke, "Well this sounds more than inviting for me."